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Funerals Should Be Medicine
For the Caregiver
By
Daniel Mandel
As a funeral director for the last quarter century, I have assisted
thousands of grieving families and I have concluded that all of us
need to say goodbye. A common problem we face is that most funeral
homes have sold the same funeral for the last hundred years and they
don’t know how to do anything else. The services they offer are
deeply rooted in institutional religion regardless of the beliefs of
the person that has died. The only personal part of the service is
the eulogy and that depends on the talent of the officiator. More
progressive funeral homes may offer to set up a table or easel for
the family for photos of the deceased.
We must find an appropriate way to say goodbye. The service should
reflect the person being remembered, and focus should be on the
fullness of his/her life, not on the pain and suffering that
frequently comes in the latter days.
There are things we should consider when planning a funeral. Who is
there that has a need to say goodbye? What were the passions of the
deceased? What are things that remind me of him/her? How do others
know him/her? A funeral can only be done once and it is important
that it be done right.
When planning a service, consider family and friends that may wish
to be present. Often, those who live farthest away may actually have
the greatest need to be there. In some cases, feelings that he/she
wasn’t there enough for the person may require resolution that only
a funeral can bring. Having the body at the service, even if the
casket is closed, can be very comforting and therapeutic to all who
are present.
Next consider the passions of the deceased. There are many ways that
a funeral can reflect the person being remembered. The setting,
officiator, music, food and photographs can all come together to
etch a portrait we can carry in our hearts.
Choose a place for the funeral that expresses the deceased. If the
person loves golf, then have the service at a golf club. For antique
lovers, historical mansions, art galleries for art lovers and yacht
clubs for boating enthusiasts. Our funeral home has contacted many
venues like these and found them to be very receptive to hosting
funerals.
If the deceased was not religious, a member of the clergy may not be
the best choice for an officiator. There are many professional
speakers capable of composing services that could be more
meaningful. Sometimes a group of family members and friends may
best express how to remember someone. When using multiple speakers,
it is wise to select a master of ceremonies to weave together all of
the elements presented. Also with groups of speakers, impress on
each one the need for brevity, so that the service is not
repetitious and laborious.
The incorporation of music is another way to reflect the deceased.
Whether using live musicians or compact discs, music can remind us
vividly of the person we’ve lost. Choose a style of music, favorite
songs or favorite singer. Keep in mind that the selections do not
need to be mournful dirges.
Food often reminds us of people we have known. Something as simple
as passing out ice cream bars at the service of someone who was
known for her ice cream socials can awaken a sweet memory. Caterers
can make serving food easier and expand the range of options
available. Remember that even the smell of certain foods can remind
us of a loved one.
Displaying photographs is another way we can remember the deceased.
Whether mounted on boards, shown in a video montage or displayed
around the room in frames, photos provide the opportunity to show
people as they would want to be remembered. Always try to select a
range of photographs sharing the full life he/she had.
Weaving the elements described here can create a meaningful service
that can be a source of great comfort and resolution. Many of the
ideas suggested here add little or no cost to the service and will
result in a precious memory.
Daniel Mandel is the founder of Mandel Funeral Services of Northern
California. He can be reached at (866) 962-6335 or dan@mandelfuneralservices.com.
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