FROM THE EDITOR'S PEN /
Pet Peeves Responses/
Editorial List
We received numerous responses to the following editorial,
and thought it would be good to share some of them with you.
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I know that everyone has pet peeves, either you can’t stand to
hear fingers on a blackboard or the times when people don’t put
the cap back on the toothpaste tube or the lid on a peanut
butter jar, or even watching someone bite their nails (don’t get
me started). I cannot begin to tell you where these peeves
start or why they drive us to distraction, but I will share one
that I find myself facing on an all too regular basis. That is
when people talk to me about the concept of “Parenting your
Parent”. I know that this may not sound like such a major
reason to get my hackles up, but there it is.
See, I know for certain that we are never
supposed to be in the position to parent our parents. They are
and should always remain elevated to an honored position in
relationship to ourselves. Sure, we need to step up to the
plate and help them if they become mentally or physically
impaired. That is a given, and I know that many of us do so
willingly, but I feel that in most cases they do not deserve to
lose the position of respect they attained by being your parent.
It can be difficult not to make the analogy
to caring for a child as you worry about mom wandering or acting
out or as you find yourself changing dad’s undergarments, and
maybe the distinction is subtle, but I am quite sure that most
of not all of our loved ones can sense when they have lost the
respect they so richly deserve. When my grandfather and I would
sit in the waiting room of his nursing home and “talk”, much of
what he said was indiscernible or inappropriate to the
situation, yet, I would never have dreamt of scolded him like a
child or speaking to him as if he somehow lost his position as
head of the family. Did I need to watch him as he stole out of
the front door? Certainly. Did I need to cajole him to eat and
deal with his occasional outbursts? Without a doubt. But, I do
believe he in no way deserved any hint of condescension from me
or my siblings as we played these supportive roles to a once
fiercely independent man.
So, please do prepare to “Protect your
Parent” and “Pamper your Parents”, but please, never think of
your role as someone who is there to “Parent your Parents.” It
just isn’t proper.
RESPONSES FROM CAREGIVERS
Dear Gary,
I really got
a nice pick me up from your email newsletter just now.
The Pet
Peeves essay was especially uplifting. I have no children (as
the saying goes "I never had any houseplants... that lived" )
Therefore I would not know if I am "parenting" since I have no
direct experience in the area. "Caregiving" I think can easily
be used to accurately describe what I see friends do for their
children.
The unique
element to parenting as I think I observe it is in taking the
responsibility for trying to help create a personality, to set
limits and boundaries and instill moral values. Dealing with
child-like or childish behavior in seniors is different in that
one is trying to protect someone whose personality is
deteriorating and whose dependency is increasing rather than the
opposite.
Your point
about maintaining the love, honor and respect we hold our
parents in is important and well expressed.
Steve
My thoughts
exactly! When ever I do an elder care seminar, I mention the
fact that, even though we are taking on more responsibility - we
are not parenting our parents - they are still our parents in
every sense of the word. In fact, books with the title are not
in my elder care library.
I hope all is
going well.
Carolyn
Gary,
Re: your recent "Pet Peeves" article, very well said and
unfortunately, much needed.
Many thanks for putting out the Caregiver Newsletter. I look
forward to receiving it each time and find it very worthwhile
and helpful reading.
A
Caregiver
Hi Gary,
I've been
receiving your newsletter for a couple of months and love it. I
just had to respond to your column on "parenting your parent". I
so appreciate you writing about that. It's a very important
point to make. Four years ago, my Dad had a stroke at 80 and a
couple of months later he passed away. In the interim, while he
was at the hospital, I saw him in a diaper and at times in a
restraint. I sometimes went in and spoon fed him. He had
difficulties swallowing and speaking. He would say things that
didn't make sense. But at times he would have lucid moments. He
would say my name sharply if I did it wrong or something, and I
knew he was still the father and I, his child. That meant a lot
to me. My father was a very smart man and, like your
grandfather, fiercely independent. (Up until then, he still
drove his classic red Triumph Spitfire convertible. What a guy!)
Our attitude is
so important. Even with Alzheimer or dementia, we know that
people retain their feelings. I too believe they can sense
condescension and respect. Plus we don't know when they are
having lucid moments. Different areas of the brain can regress
at different rates. As one lady with early onset Alzheimer's,
Brenda Hounam, said, "It's my mind that's leaving me, it's not
my heart." Sara Westbrook wrote a beautiful song (on CD) called,
"One More Memory", incorporating that thought. She did it with
Brenda's input; it's for her children. We had Sara sing it at
our annual Walk for Memories fundraiser in January; there wasn't
a dry eye in the place.
Thank you for
writing about this, Gary. As you said, "It just isn't proper" to
treat them with anything less than the respect that's due them.
The Golden Rule certainly applies here, Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.
Keep up the
great work! Best regards,
Marj.
Hi Gary,
My mother succumbed to death through a
cardiac arrest in 1989. She was a very independent person even
until her late seventies.
After my mother's death, my father who has
also a very strong personality was very much depressed and later
on to develop Alzheimer’s disease. That was the first time I
realized that we were in a very difficult situation.
Nevertheless we still gave him our utmost love and care.
Honor your parents is the fourth of the Ten
Commandments. Someday we will be on their shoes too.
L
Thank you
for this, Gary. It is one of my pet peeves as well, and is
something especially prevalent in the field in which I work:
dementia. Personally and professionally, I do not think you are
splitting hairs. Rather, you make very important observations.
We are chanting the same mantra. Thanks, again.
Katherine
Gary Barg
Editor-in-Chief
gary@caregiver.com
