By Kristine Dwyer, LSW, Staff Writer
Five siblings and their spouses, who were scattered across the
country, were consulted on their mother’s
future. Although each one cared and was well
meaning, there were ten opinions on what was
“best for mother” and her personal affairs. Some
believed their mother should return to her
hometown and hire help even though it was
hundreds of miles from any family members.
Others felt that they could take turns caring
for her by moving her from state to state and
house to house. Assisted living was an option while
others felt strongly that she should just remain
at Beth’s house, indefinitely. It then occurred
to Beth that she and her siblings had never
planned ahead for their mother’s care after
their father died and they’d never made a joint
family decision prior to this event. Coming to a
consensus was going to be difficult.
At this point, Beth conferred with a caregiver consultant who
listened to her needs and concerns. She helped
her gain a perspective of her situation,
discussed care alternatives and connected her
with several resources. Best of all, Beth was
able to consider other possibilities for care
outside of her home and was encouraged to visit
local assisted living facilities. She also found
the courage to discuss these options with her
siblings and eventually gained additional
support from them.
Soon, Beth took her mother to tour several assisted-living homes in
the area. Some provided individual rooms while
others offered full-size apartments. All of the
facilities offered activities, meals,
housekeeping and personal care assistance.
Initially, her mother was extremely hesitant to
consider moving and was unsure about leaving the
familiarity of Beth’s home. In her mind, she was
still planning to return to her own home and
resume the life she had prior to the stroke. The
family knew at this point that she could not
return and agreed that the homestead had to be
sold to help pay for their mother’s future care.
They convinced their mother that moving to
assisted living near Beth was the best plan “for
now.” A beautiful apartment became available,
but it took weeks for Beth’s mother to agree to
actually move. Surprisingly, within days of
moving into the apartment, she had made new
acquaintances, joined exercise and coffee groups
and had volunteered to play the organ for the
church services (a skill that had miraculously
remained intact after the strokes!).
The caregiving journey continues for Beth, yet she has gained
valuable knowledge, coordinated communication
between her siblings, made positive decisions
with and for her mother, and rebalanced the
needs of herself and her own family. An
unexpected change also occurred when the focus
on daily caregiving was exchanged for a focus on
a loving mother/daughter relationship. To this
day, Beth’s mother is thriving and remains
socially involved at her assisted-living
complex.
These important suggestions are shared with readers who may face a
similar life-changing event.
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