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My Sad, Sad & Happy, Happy Story
By Patsy Robertson

(Page 2 of 3)

When I wasn't at work, I was in bed. I would rest or sleep until it was time to go back to work. I became a work-a-holic because it was fun until I couldn't figure out what to do next. I always had 10-12 event files on my desk. I could not figure out which file to open first. I became so overwhelmed that I would take a walk around the club house. I would visit the pro-shop & the dish washers - anyone I could find to talk to early in the morning. Then I would go back to my desk & try it again. I actually fired my assistant because she made a mistake. This is something I am ashamed of. I was trying to protect myself because she had to be better at my job than I was in order to protect me. She was a wonderful person but I would never have fired her under normal circumstances. I was not operating with a normal mind & I knew it. But I thought it would go away. I couldn't loose my job.

My boss brought the food & beverage manager into the office to assist me. I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. I had always been super on the job and I could barely function on the job now.

My boss called me into his office one day & very kindly suggested I needed help. He gave me the name & phone number of an intake counselor at a wonderful facility here in Atlanta. I went right away and this was the beginning of some very scary times for me but after ten years I am doing better than I ever dreamed I would or could.

The most difficult part for me was how my family responded to my "mental illness" to  my "depression" to my "Bipolar" and I've never told them about ADD! ha! There is nothing funny about what I have been through or what I have to do now but I have found a sense of humor is necessary for me.

My oldest son told me that depression is not a medical illness while his wife said "yes, it is." My daughter called me "Elvis" because of all the meds I was taking. She will never know how much I would like to dump the meds. It is work to keep your medication organized & refilled. Then you have to remember to take it at a certain time each day & usually with food. Most people don't understand how important anti-depressants are to me.

Every single time I decide to skip a pill or run out of a prescription & skip a pill I find myself thinking about dying. I want to die. Then I remind myself that it is skipping the meds that cause me to feel this way. I am convinced 100% that if I stopped taking my meds I would want to or try to kill myself. I don't want to die, I want to live! I am beginning to feel so much better now. I am not going back where I was. I am not ashamed nor do I feel weak for taking my meds. I feel smart, I feel like I am enabling myself to attend my grand children's graduations & weddings. What would they think if I gave up? That keeps me going to my shrink more than anything on this earth.

It is very difficult being bipolar. I have to take Concerta now to "wake me up" because the Eskalith makes me so flat. But by sticking to the regiment I am beginning to reap some real benefits. I have a group of ladies in my home every Thursday night for a Bible study. I hadn't entertained in my home since 1998! They are new friends and they accept me just the way I am & I them too! It is so wonderful.

 

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