Today I hate my bipolar because I feel depressed and very sad. But it will not last. I will soon be happy again. I skipped one or two doses of my medication and that always throws me into a miserable sad depression. As I drove to my psychiatrist's office today to pick up my Eskalith & Concerta I became vividly aware that I thought about dying. But that will not last. I will soon be happy again!

I was diagnosed with Major Depression/Bipolar & ADD in 1994 when I checked myself into the hospital for a week. I was broken mentally & physically unable to work or get out of the bed for that matter.

This was not the first time I had been treated for depression in my life. The first time I was a young mother under a great deal of stress from an abusive husband. I was first hospitalized for two weeks and then one week shortly after my coming home the first time. I was not given medication. A beautiful young mother was my room mate. She got to go home on a weekend pass to see how she would cope at home. She never returned because she killed herself. This left a very strong impression on me. I decided then that I would run to my doctor anytime I felt the same feeling of depression coming on.

That seemed to work until around 1985 when a traumatic episode between my [new] husband, my daughter & I happened. I went to a psychiatrist for help because I recognized the exact same feelings I had when I was in the hospital. The feeling of hopelessness & darkness. My psychiatrist was the first to tell me about anti-depressants and how it would be trial & error to discover the right medication for me. I was very pleased to know he understood my depression. I began taking Desyrel & still it every night before going to sleep.

My father died in 1993, my mother moved in six months later. My daughter-in-law had a mastectomy at seven months pregnant when diagnosed with breast cancer. I was five years breast cancer free at the time. My grand son was delivered c-section & almost died when his lungs collapsed. My husband lost his "big important corporate job" after surviving 3 buy-outs. He & my mother freaked out because their lives were not going as planned. Everything began falling apart, I thought I was going crazy - it seemed everything was my fault. Oh! My middle child came to us for help with a "crank" addiction.

I knew I needed help. I found a physiatrist & therapist that I really liked.  I began taking an additional anti-depressant. I worked very hard at being strong. I wanted to keep everyone & myself happy. I loved my job. But it was getting harder to pretend everything was OK. I was a special events coordinator at a country club. I directed PGA golf tournaments, tennis tournaments, weddings, golf outings, holiday parties for the club members and booked corporate meetings & golf outings. I worked with a lot of celebrities & the press. I had to get well. I could not allow anyone to know how sick I was. The mental began making me physically ill. I could barely walk at times. I had sores on my head & in my mouth. I was broken physically & emotionally.