Today I hate my bipolar because I feel depressed
and very sad. But it will not last. I will soon be happy again.
I skipped one or two doses of my medication and that always throws
me into a miserable sad depression. As I drove to my psychiatrist's
office today to pick up my Eskalith & Concerta I became vividly
aware that I thought about dying. But that will not last. I will
soon be happy again!
I was diagnosed with Major Depression/Bipolar &
ADD in 1994 when I checked myself into the hospital for a week. I
was broken mentally & physically unable to work or get out of the
bed for that matter.
This was not the first time I had been treated
for depression in my life. The first time I was a young
mother under a great deal of stress from an abusive husband. I was
first hospitalized for two weeks and then one week shortly after my
coming home the first time. I was not given medication. A beautiful
young mother was my room mate. She got to go home on a weekend pass
to see how she would cope at home. She never returned because she
killed herself. This left a very strong impression on me. I decided
then that I would run to my doctor anytime I felt the same feeling
of depression coming on.
That seemed to work until around 1985 when a
traumatic episode between my [new] husband, my daughter & I
happened. I went to a psychiatrist for help because I recognized the
exact same feelings I had when I was in the hospital. The feeling of
hopelessness & darkness. My psychiatrist was the first to tell me
about anti-depressants and how it would be trial & error to discover
the right medication for me. I was very pleased to know he
understood my depression. I began taking Desyrel & still it every
night before going to sleep.
My father died in 1993, my mother moved in six
months later. My daughter-in-law had a mastectomy at seven months
pregnant when diagnosed with breast cancer. I was five years breast
cancer free at the time. My grand son was delivered c-section &
almost died when his lungs collapsed. My husband lost his "big
important corporate job" after surviving 3 buy-outs. He & my mother
freaked out because their lives were not going as planned.
Everything began falling apart, I thought I was going crazy - it
seemed everything was my fault. Oh! My middle child came to us for
help with a "crank" addiction.
I knew I needed help. I found
a physiatrist & therapist that I really liked. I began taking an
additional anti-depressant. I worked very hard at being strong. I
wanted to keep everyone & myself happy. I loved my job. But it was
getting harder to pretend everything was OK. I was a special events
coordinator at a country club. I directed PGA golf tournaments,
tennis tournaments, weddings, golf outings, holiday parties for the
club members and booked corporate meetings & golf outings. I worked
with a lot of celebrities & the press. I had to get well. I could
not allow anyone to know how sick I was. The mental began making me
physically ill. I could barely walk at times. I had sores on my head
& in my mouth. I was broken physically & emotionally.