Have you ever told anyone else? I ask. ďWhat good
would it do? They donít like it when you complain.
Besides, things get worse sometimes if they found out
you complained.Ē There was some silence between us for
a while and I know thatís when she has said all she
care to about some topic.
Is there enough to do? I ask. Are you ever bored?
ďOh, yea. Waiting for lunch, thatís the worst.
Usually we just sit there and wait and wait. Then
where lunch comes, itís the same old thing. I think
it all taste the same. I canít have salt. And I
canít have too much cholesterol. I canít see the
food very well. It all looks the same. I love
chocolate. But, everybody keeps telling me I canít
just eat chocolate. Then, the nurses complain that
Iím getting too heavy to lift. It takes two of them
to move me. They canít do it with just one of them
like you can. They need one on each side of me.
Thatís why it takes them so long to help me to the
commode. Because they have to go find someone to
help them. And, no one is ever available. So, I wait
and wait. Thatís all I do these days. Oh, they try
to make sure there is something to do, I guess.
Except for right before lunch. You have about an
hour with nothing to do but wait. I would just
rather go to bed and read.Ē
Are you happy here? I asked her.
ďIím as happy as I can be. This is not the way I
thought my life would turn out. THIS is my life now.
This is it. Iíll die here, I know I will. I donít
want to. But, people die here all the time. This is
were they come to die. This is my life now. Waiting
to die. I know now why my husband shot himself. He
didnít want to get old and helpless and die in a
place like this. I understand nowÖĒ She looks around
her room a little and shrugs: ď This is my life