Even the Closest Families Can Have Their Issues
Unfortunately, old hurts and angers will not
miraculously disappear as your parents age. In fact,
they might even get worse. So it’s critical that you
plan ahead because you don’t want to be bound to
your parents through years of ill health and
dependency, and you don’t want to be arguing with
your siblings just when your parents need help.
If you’ve never gotten along as a family, or if
you have long-standing anger with your parents, this
is going to be particularly difficult. But it’s that
much more important that you find the courage to
talk and plan. Having conversations now can mean
fewer battles, resentments and regrets later. Who
knows? It might even alleviate some of the tension.
The more difficult the relationship, the more
businesslike you will need to be about this. It can
help to have a formal family meeting and, if
necessary, include a mediator — a family therapist
or geriatric case worker. Write up an agenda and
some ground rules in advance (for example, each
person gets five minutes to speak, or certain topics
are not to be discussed).
Avoid hot topics. This is not the time to revisit
old issues. Focus on the topics at hand (where will
she live, how will she pay for care, etc.). If the
conversation veers into troubled water, gently steer
it back on track.
Use e-mail. Sometimes face-to-face isn’t the best
approach. If you don’t get along, e-mail will allow
you time to think before you type, and time to edit
before you hit “send.”
Even though you’re all grown up, old patterns and
labels from your childhood may linger. A distant
brother might not want to hear about your talks with
Mom. A bossy older sister might continue to
micro-manage. But people do change. A sibling who
may have been too immature to contribute in the
past, might be the most capable of shouldering
responsibility as an adult. And a parent who’s been
disengaged might be capable of sharing now. Try not
to lock people into yesterday’s roles.
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