 Beyond the Stethoscope:
Caregiving through a Doctor’s Eyes
By K.L. Anderson, Staff Writer
Caregiving can be anticipated, yet
untimely, long distance or right next door, two hours a
week to 24 hours a day. Caregiving is universal. It
knows no boundaries of age, race, religion, profession
or economic status. Caregiving will touch all of our
lives at some point along the way.
Dr. Dan, a family physician practicing in the Midwest,
was living in the midst of a thriving medical practice
while also juggling the responsibilities of a husband
and father of three in a bustling family household. Life
couldn’t be fuller. Then, all at once, he found himself
being called away from his normal routine into the world
of caregiving. He was now facing the urgent needs of his
elderly parents who lived over 1000 miles away, and his
perspectives of caregiving were about to make a dramatic
shift.
Dr. Dan and his family made yearly trips to Florida to
visit his parents and they eagerly anticipated this time
together. Upon their recent arrival, it became painfully
clear at the front door that everything had changed
since their last visit. Although Dr. Dan and his family
had kept in touch regularly, the current situation
seemed to have gotten out of hand and the health and
stamina of his father and mental capacity of his mother
had significantly declined. How could this have
happened? Where were the red flags?
For years, Dr. Dan’s father, a former minister, had been
faithfully providing care for his wife who suffers from
progressive dementia. He was always in control of the
situation, never complained or seemed ready to ask the
family for help. All along, his father compensated for
his wife’s loss of abilities, minimized their needs and
downplayed the changes that were happening over the
years. His father seemed to insulate the rest of the
family from the real problems he faced and kept his own
depression and isolation hidden. Unbeknownst to his
family, the profound weight of caregiving for his wife
had finally taken its toll and his health was now in
jeopardy. Although the family realized there were
obvious needs, they feared they would have to wait until
a crisis occurred before help would be accepted. That
crisis was now upon them.
After arriving in Florida, Dr. Dan rushed his father to
emergency care for tests and an assessment of his
symptoms and health condition. It was difficult not to
ask questions or suggest tests. Dr. Dan found himself
torn between his role as a caring son and his profession
as a physician. At one point, he was even faced with the
temptation to jump in and take over his father’s care.
He felt pulled in many directions. Then a greater sense
of urgency and alarm emerged when the test results
revealed a blood clot followed by indications of cancer.
The reality of the situation hit hard and Dr. Dan knew
that some major decisions would have to be made quickly.
His mother could no longer care for herself and needed
constant supervision and help with her daily needs. His
father would require further testing, possible surgery
and treatments. Dr. Dan had to get his family back home,
return to his medical practice and plan for his parents
to move north as soon as possible. Caregiving was about
to take center stage.
Upon returning home, all family members were contacted
to discuss a plan of care. It was decided that the best
alternative was to have the parents move in with Dr. Dan
and his family to allow medical treatments to begin for
his father. Fortunately, Dr. Dan’s wife, a former nurse,
was willing and able to provide the daily care and
supervision of her mother-in-law during this time of
uncertainty and transition. Once the parents were
resettled, a geriatric care manager was consulted for
the purpose of support, planning and connecting to
resources. Dr. Dan was also able to partner with his
fellow physicians to take over the medical care needs of
his father at the local hospital.
The roles of a son and the patriarch of the family were
once again challenged, as Dr. Dan took control of the
situation, became the decision-maker, and assumed a
leadership position. He became an advocate for both of
his parents as they were now displaced from their home,
had lost their independence (at least temporarily) and
had to live within the hectic pace and lifestyle of
their son’s family. Relationships had to be
reestablished while still maintaining the parents’
dignity. His father, once a strong and capable leader
who had served as a missionary in Africa and even fought
off lions (literally), was now very ill, fragile from
surgery and cancer treatments and had to be fully cared
for along with his wife. This was one of the lowest
moments his father had ever experienced and the weeks
that followed proved to be difficult for the entire
family. Everyone’s routine was disrupted and the impact
of caregiving permeated all of their lives.
Over the next couple of months, his father completed his
treatments and gained back enough strength and
perseverance to again provide care for his wife. They
have since moved in with their daughter, who took over
the next stage of caregiving, and are awaiting admission
to an assisted living “campus of care” where they will
reside in an apartment with supportive services. When
Dr. Dan’s mother is unable to remain at this level of
care, she will be moved to an adjoining nursing home
where her husband can readily visit her. Everyone
involved met this plan with strong approval. Through it
all, Dr. Dan recalls that his ability to become a
caregiver was fueled by the love and support of his
family and help from his colleagues. This truly allowed
him to remain steadfast and focus on the needs of his
parents until the health crisis finally stabilized.
Dr. Dan shares these final thoughts on how this journey
has reshaped him as a person, a son and as a physician:
“First of all, my empathy and sensitivity index for
caregivers has increased a hundred-fold and I am now
better qualified and prepared to support and assist the
caregivers and patients I see in my practice. I have an
enhanced appreciation for the trials, decisions, and the
urgency for help that caregivers face, along with the
strength it takes to endure these circumstances over
time. My experience has added to my worth and
credibility as a physician and I find I am able to
personally share my story with many of my patients.
Secondly, I have an increased awareness of Alzheimer’s
disease and how it truly affects families. I have now
seen the full spectrum of my mother’s dementia from the
early stages of confusion and unexplainable behaviors to
her need for 24-hour supervision and daily assistance
with her personal care. I marvel at how my father was
able to remain fully committed to caregiving through
these very difficult years and I have an even greater
empathy for the caregivers I serve.
This experience has drawn me closer to my parents,
especially my father, and has strengthened our family
bonds as we have tried to pull together to provide the
best of care. It hasn’t been easy and we have had to
resolve some past family conflicts that surfaced during
this time. Fortunately, we have been able to focus on
honesty and the importance of making decisions that will
benefit the whole family.
Lastly, I appreciate the delicate nature of life and
have realized that I cannot take life for granted. I
have a greater understanding of the larger picture of
caregiving, the impact on family relationships and the
patience and diligence it requires. I am also struck
with the importance and value of asking for help and
realize that our situation could have been dealt with
more directly if my father would only have asked sooner.
I feel a sense of relief that the pieces are falling
into place and that we now have a plan, yet, I am
saddened at the fact that my parents will no longer live
independently. I have had to get beyond my own denial
and face reality as I ponder my parents’ increased needs
as well as the end of their lives. I am once again a
long distance caregiver for my parents and will continue
offering support and monitoring their ever-changing
needs along with those of my patients and their
caregivers.“
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