By
J Lang Wood
It was sometime late in 2003
that I realized something had to be done with Mom. She had reached
the end of her ability to manage her affairs independently, and the
reports I got from family and friends in Illinois began to fill me
with alarm. And as I lived far away in Florida and knew that Mom had
no desire at all to move from the Chicago area where she had lived
all her life, I knew I had to manage to somehow find her a suitable
situation long-distance.
Assisted Living was a relatively
new concept to me. I learned it was a system by which seniors
entered a sort of group home facility, while still retaining a
modicum of independence. Generally, the residents have their own
apartment or separate bedroom. Often daily meals, laundry services,
housekeeping and transportation are provided. It sounded like a
perfect solution for my independent, social-butterfly, 87-year-old
mother who was becoming too frail to live on her own.
Some families in America still
manage to take their elders into their own homes, but changing job
locations, long work hours, and other family responsibilities may
make this impossible. Even getting seniors to places where they can
socialize with others of their own generation and experiences can be
a logistical nightmare. Assisted Living seems to fill these gaps
nicely. There are always social activities, outings, guest speakers,
card games, bingo, and religious services. Doctors come to the
facility to treat medical needs, and caregiving assistants monitor
the residents for changes in diet, behavior, and activity level. Yet
there is always the ability for the resident to retreat to his or
her own ‘separate space’ to regroup should the need arise.
Thank heavens for the internet!
I was able to search web sites for eldercare facilities and all
kinds of advice. This in itself is an education that took some time,
because the costs and accommodations vary so widely and the legal
issues can get complicated. By process of elimination, I began to
see what was do-able. It also led to that ‘serious talk’ with my
mother about financial resources and planning. Of course, I was a
bit fearful to broach these subjects. Mom has always run her own
affairs, and intruding into these personal details intimidated me,
but these are the realities of modern life, and we both wanted what
was best for her. If you, like me, are dealing with someone from the
‘Greatest Generation’ age bracket, rest assured they are not
ignorant of financial realities. If a parent has reached the point
where independent living has already made their circumstances muddy
and confused, they will appreciate the help, as long as you include
them in the process.
At this point, I was ready to
look into specific state resources for elders. Often, if assets will
not cover the monthly assisted living fees, one can ‘pay down’
assets and then go onto state aid. If a parent’s needs fall into
this category, you will have to look for ‘subsidized care.’ This
varies greatly from state to state, so I looked into Illinois’
Department on Aging and Health and Human Services Division. I was
sent an enormous amount of material to sift through on programs for
elders, which ranged from in-home care to full nursing home
facilities. Over time, I was able to whittle it all down to what
would work for Mom. I was fortunate in finding an assisted living
facility affiliated with her particular religion, which allowed for
daily services and special services for Holy Days. Many religions
have endeavors in this area of elder care, and I would encourage
anyone to look there first before going into state-run facilities.
Now came the interesting
part-visiting the facilities. I approached this with some
trepidation, but Mom was more than ready to give the idea a chance.
I was lucky in that the timing had worked out perfectly. Even so, it
is important to receive the specific information on each facility
and have all questions answered beforehand, if possible. Other
questions will arise when you visit and the director of the facility
always seems happy to answer any questions asked, and will find out
for you whatever he or she can’t answer immediately. But here are
the things I was ‘testing’ the place for when we visited: Did the
entire facility have a cheerful ‘underbeat’? Did the residents look
happy and engaged? Was the place scrupulously clean? Was the staff
approachable and interested in residents? Was there a sense of fun
and enjoyment there? Was it run professionally? When all these
questions were answered ‘yes’, and when I saw Mom chatting
effortlessly with the staff, I knew I had found the right place for
her. I confess, I was intimidated by all the paperwork, but the
office staff was very experienced in these matters and was able to
offer a great deal of help.
Preparing for the move itself
required the most from both Mom and myself. Dismantling a household
can be a sad experience, with regret about what is being left behind
or thrown away. It can even be a time of relief with shedding the
burdens of the past and anticipating new experiences. We took some
time to share stories and memories. And we packed Mom’s favorite
books and pictures, music and pieces of furniture all those things
that make people feel more at home in new surroundings. The day of
the move brought sudden panic on both our parts. But we were able to
talk through our fears. Knowing I would be far away made it
especially difficult. I wanted to be sure I had chosen the right
place, and that I would be available to send my Mom anything she
might need. But we were able to remain positive and tried to make
the moving-in experience fun and reassuring. We toured the facility
once again, hand in hand, to make sure Mom knew where everything
could be found. We drew a little map of the place and put it under a
magnet on the refrigerator door. We met a few residents and found
some common interests and background. We cried a little, laughed a
little and made sure we could stay in close touch and that the staff
would know how to reach me.
Six months later, Mom has
adjusted nicely to her new surroundings. We talk on the phone once a
week. I fly to Chicago for the big holidays. Clearly, things are
different for my mother. She no longer has the burden of household
bills or transporting her frail body from here to there on daily
errands. She has much more help with these things and medical care
is just a buzzer call away. Visits with family are filled with more
gifts and flowers and more time ‘catching up’ on events. It’s not
the same as it was, but if you asked her, you might find things are
exactly as they should be.
J.
Lang Wood's stories, essays, and articles have appeared in
California Business Online, Island Sun News, Songs of Innocence, and
Perigee Arts Magazine. She combines her love of writing with the
demands of running a business. A former Chicagoan, she lives with
her husband on Florida's Gulf coast.
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