My emotions are so confused right now. They've been confused for about 6 months now. On June 9th, 2006, my fiancé was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. He was admitted to the hospital the day he was diagnosed and stayed there for 4 weeks. 3 months ago, he went into another hospital for a stem cell (Bone Marrow) transplant and was in there for 6 weeks. He came home on the 2nd of October. I feel overwhelmed with taking care of him even though most of his care is given by his mother. I take over when I come home from work at night. I haven't had a real day off since June, and I started a new Job two days before he went into the hospital the second time. I feel lucky that I found my new job because not only is it less stressful, it pays better, and the hours are much easier to handle. Also, with his condition, I wouldn't have been able to stay at my old job because I used to work with animals, and he is now extremely immunodeficient. I feel guilty because I'm not home taking care of him. I feel guilty enjoying my time at work and feel that I don't have the right to feel overwhelmed. I never see any of my friends, so the only one I have to talk to about my feelings is him. I try not to burden him with how I'm feeling. My family is 200 miles away.

We are still planning our wedding for next June. We had chosen our date only 6 weeks before he was diagnosed. Everything happened so fast. I faced losing him (and still do). If I lose him, I lose everything.

I focus my extra energy on planning our wedding, because I need something to look forward to. I want to give him a beautiful wedding. I feel lucky that I have a good enough job and he is receiving disability so that I don't have to rely too much on my family to help me pay for the wedding. Things are going so much better than I ever could have hoped. But why do I still feel so crappy? I'm tired and his mother is driving me crazy. I wish she would go back to her home, but if she did, I wouldn't be able to take care of him the way he needs. He's incredibly independent and is able to do most things on his own, but the doctors still say he needs 24-hour care. We are also incredibly lucky that we live in the same city as one of the top-ranked Bone marrow transplant centers in the world - we didn't need to relocate. I know how lucky we are and how much worked in our favor. But I can't help feeling like a victim and I hate feeling that way.

I feel cheated and I feel that he was cheated because of his disease. We are both only 23 years old and haven't really been given a chance to build a life together.