Gary Barg: You have to manage the care. You
can’t just say, “Oh, I have a
reputable caregiver now so I don’t
have to think about it.”
Valerie Harper:
You do. I think you do. And they are
there doing all that and letting you
have a life. And beyond that, your
loved one or your person that you
are responsible for really needs to
see you, you know? And even if
they’re a pill, let them be a pill
for a few minutes, but you show up
and bring them a rose or whatever
the guy wants—I don’t know, a little
throw for his lap or something. Just
every so often; not necessarily on
an occasion. But that’s what I
found worked really well. And also,
she was my sweet friend and I wanted
to see her; so for me, it was easy.
Sometimes it’s not because it gets
difficult. But I also think that
acknowledging the caregivers is very
important.
Gary Barg: Any other challenges with
conservatorship when you were
conservator for the fabulous Mrs.
Vanderbilt?
Valerie Harper: Oh, she was so beautiful. At 96, she
was a beauty. Let’s see. Oh, sure,
she was declining and then dealing
with Sundowning. I would walk in the
room and she’d be angry or say,
“Valerie, you were supposed to
here.” I would answer, “Oh, I’m
sorry.” Or she would say, “I don’t
want to see you now.” I would
say, “Okay, sure,” and I’d turn
around and walk right out, wait a
few minutes, and then knock on the
door. She would say, “Oh, Valerie,
come in. How good to see you.” It’s
patience, I think; that is part of
it.
Gary Barg:
Your patience and your attitude go a
long way toward making sure the
person you care for has a positive
attitude.
Valerie Harper:
And is comfortable and feels good
about… I mean, the Sundowning is
real. But when I visited, sometimes
she’d say, “I wish God would take me
or something.” I’d say, “Well,
he will when it’s time.” I’d try to
make it light. And my mom used to
say to me, “Oh, Valerie, I’m sorry
you have to go through this death
watch.” She had lung cancer. And I
said, “Mom, it’s not a death watch.
You’re alive; it’s a life watch.
When you’re dead, it will be a death
watch and we will have a funeral.
But right now, we’re living.” She’d
say, “Okay, let’s watch Perry
Mason.” [Laugh] You know, you can
steer it that way for them so that
while they’re alive, they’re alive
and not just thinking with fear of
what’s ahead.
Subscribe to Today's Caregiver Magazine
