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An Interview with Linda Dano
 

Emmy-Award-Winning Actress Linda Dano is best known for her roles in daytime television programs including: As The World Turns, Another World,   One Life to Live, All My Children, General Hospital, Port Charles and  Guiding Light. She has also hosted her own talk show, Attitudes, writes a very popular style column for Soap Opera Digest and is a successful businesswoman and author. Linda returns to Today’s Caregiver magazine for a rare second cover interview to once again share her story of personal caregiving. The first time Linda discussed the challenges she faced as a caregiving daughter to a mother diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Since then, Linda’s mother, father and husband Frank all passed away (her mother and husband within days of one another), and she is back to discuss her subsequent battle with depression. Linda sits down with Editor-in-Chief Gary Barg to share her singular insights on living with depression

Gary Barg: Since we know that depression is the most commonly felt emotion for over 63 percent of caregivers, and you have been so aware as a family caregiver, were you aware of your depression during your caregiving?

Linda Dano: No. it’s so interesting that you asked me that and I’ll tell you why. It was just last week and I was feeling very sad, thinking about my dad and my mother late at night in bed looking back over my caregiving. I suddenly said,  “Oh, my God, I was suffering from serious depression.”  Because when I was caregiving, I wouldn’t talk to anybody, I didn’t say what was on my mind, I didn’t let anyone know I was hurting this much. I thought if I just  would be quiet and not say anything, I wouldn’t be a burden to the rest of my family.  I believe that part of the reason I decided to do this campaign is because I’m quite passionate about it. It’s not only to help me get better, but you know, I’m such a believer in sharing and talking things over and not hiding things. Now I don’t want anyone to be like I was when my father was ill, that I just didn’t talk. 

Depression just comes from nowhere and it sits all over you. It’s like a big black cloud and it just stays there and there’s never any one reason it comes. I liken it to flipping a light switch. You don’t even realize that it’s part of you. It’s an unbelievably insidious disease that you don’t even realize that you’re living with. It goes to the market with you, and it goes to the cleaner’s with you, and it goes to the dinner party with you and you don’t even know it.

G: One thing you said that I haven’t really heard stated as clearly before is that depression is a disease.

 L: Oh, gosh I know. In this country, and I’d guess the world, how many times do you hear someone say, “Oh, I’m depressed today.” It’s sort of that throw-away line you hear every day when, in fact, I just wonder how many millions and millions of people walk around depressed — severely depressed, clinically depressed — and believe that it’s just part of what they’re supposed to be doing. It’s the way life is ... It’s just the way that they feel and that’s that, and they don’t even know that they have an illness. But they just feel sad all the time.

G: And actually we caregivers want everyone around us to feel well, so it’s the last thing we’re going to admit to.

L: Right, and I’ll tell you a story. Frank died, and then, nine days later, my mom. And I functioned. I had to get up and give the boys a walk (you know, my dogs), and I had my home in Connecticut and, as difficult as it was, I was determined not to lose my home. Then I went on to the Tony Danza show.  I didn’t really want to go, and for some reason, I was compelled to go. It had something to do with Frank, something to do with my situation. I spoke a little about Frank and my mom and the struggle I was in and I got thousands of e-mails from people all over the country, all of them wanting to share their story. It was that coupled with the way I was getting through it. Three girlfriends of mine just made all the difference. All were very easy with me and nobody pushed me to do anything and they were always there. They’d call all the time; they’d walk the dogs, get me something to eat, do a little shopping for me. They were just caregivers. They made sure I was all right. And I’m truly grateful to them because they allowed me to cry, and to just let me be me. At the time that I’d done the Danza show and had gotten all this mail, Eli Lilly called and wanted me to represent this depression awareness campaign that talks about the very thing that helped me — reaching out to a friend, family member, a loved one — somebody — and get to talk, to take that initial step.

G: The main thrust of the campaign is finding a support partner. Would you consider your friends to be your support partners?

L: Yes, they just made sure I was okay. And they really made that commitment to me, and that’s a tough commitment because you have to call, be on top of it, and really spend time helping that person. And they did. God bless them! So I knew firsthand how important and powerful support partners are. I lived it.

G: How did your depression manifest itself?

L: I was grieving the loss of Frank and my mom and was not sleeping. I was crying constantly, really having a rough time. Then what took over was not just the sadness and mourning and loneliness. What took over was a kind of hopelessness, a kind of “I don’t care” ... And every bit of passion that stands for Linda Dano was gone and I had physical pain — pain in my back, down my leg, which I couldn’t understand. But you know what? That’s what depression can do to you. It can absolutely alter who you are, what you are. It’s an amazing illness. And scary and consuming... When the doctor said to me, “You’re suffering from depression,” I said, “Oh, no, you don’t understand. I’m mourning my husband and mother. I just lost them both and that’s what’s bothering me.” He said, “I know you’re sad and you’re very lost without them, but everything you’re telling me points to depression.” And you know what? He was right.

G: What do you hear from the caregivers you meet on the road?

L: So many people are grateful that I have put a voice to this illness. Mostly  what they say is that they’re shocked it’s happening to me (Linda Dano). Here, I’m the one saying I’m depressed, telling them I know exactly what they are feeling.

G: It makes them realize that if you can be depressed, others can, too.

L: Yes, it lets them know that maybe they can take that first step of talking about how they’re feeling, saying they need help.  And, oh God, I’m so thrilled I can do that.  Because if this is the way so many people live, that’s just not the way to live.

G: Tell me about the Support Partners program.

L: It’s not a place you go, like Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s something you do for yourself, on your own. You first realize that there’s  something going on with you ... Then you try to get enough courage to speak up  to someone you trust — it could be your husband, your friend, your mother, coworker, just someone. You know, you talk and suddenly it’s not so horrible as keeping it inside. There’s something about saying it ... It’s the whole key to relationships. If you just live with it and never let it out, it will consume you and ruin your life. So, what I’m asking people to do is what I did — get a  support partner (whether it’s one, two, three, or five). But you need that one person to  talk to and tell them what you’re feeling. Then, after you’ve said it and the stigma’s not there, the thing to do is go to a doctor. Get diagnosed and discuss what the next step should be. But once you’ve found a support partner, you’ve made that first step. There are cures and there are ways to change one’s life and get rid of depression…You can get rid of it. It can go away and I just feel so strongly about it. You can go to www.supportpartnersprogram.com and in there are three little guidebooks to download. They’re totally free. They explain depression symptoms, what to do about it, how to help someone you think may have it, questions to ask the doctor. All of the things that can help you make that initial step.

G: So, if I have a loved one who I know is depressed, and I go to supportpartnersprogram.com, I can know how to help them.

L: Exactly. It’s great. It’s simple. It’s not about pills, psychotherapy, or any of that. It’s about getting that person to open up and talk about how they’re feeling. That’s what support partners are all about. People would be shocked at how receptive people are. But once you do it, it’s like opening the door and letting fresh air come in.

G: Well, I’m glad you got the support you needed.

L: Yeah, but it did feel like the blind leading the blind... I’m such an advocate of support partners because it works. And I want everyone reading this to know I am a long way from where I need to be. I’m still battling this disease. I’m still in the throes of it ... I take three steps forward and six steps back. It’s a long process, but I’m going to beat it. I’m going to be fine on the other side. And I’m going to take as many people with me as I can.

G: What’s your one piece of advice you have for family caregivers?

L: I want them to not shoulder all of it. They just can’t ... they must let  others help them. If they don’t, it will kill them. They must share it and ask people to help — not some of the time, but all the time. It’s as simple as, “I need to take a walk ... I’ll be back in 20 minutes ...” If you try to do this caregiving on your own, I’m afraid of what can happen.