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The Dr. Ruth Interview (Page 2 of 4)
An Interview with Dr. Ruth
Dr. Ruth:
This is not a book about sex; but, of
course, I had to say something. I know
from people that I talk to – I’m
thinking especially of one gentleman who
said he can continue having sexual
relations. This is not the problem. The
problem is that the sick person doesn’t
remember. And there are people who will
not date somebody whose spouse is living
with that disease. It just doesn’t work
because they can’t date and put that
reality on the side, and the caregiver
would not get a divorce in this
situation. And I know of some people who
are in a care facility that start a
relationship with somebody else.
Gary Barg:
You spoke of Former Supreme Court
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s husband
who developed a committed relationship
with a lady in the Alzheimer’s facility.
This happened to my grandfather as well.
Dr. Ruth:
It must have been devastating for your
grandmother.
Gary Barg:
She wasn’t well herself. She was being
cared for somewhere else. And to my
mom’s credit, she understood what was
going on and she accepted the
relationship because Gramps did. He
adored his wife. He would never have
done that if he had been aware. And we
discovered that it’s really quite a
contentious topic when we write about
this. What advice do you have for family
caregivers who find themselves with a
loved one or a husband, wife, or parent,
who is still married and has a
relationship in a care facility?
Dr. Ruth:
It is very difficult. I will never
minimize the difficulty; but I give
credit to all of those family members
who accept it by saying, “That’s the
situation.” It’s very difficult to then
still be the caregiver and loving
relative, even if a new partner enters.
It’s very difficult to tell a spouse.
Here you have lived with this person for
40 years and now that person doesn’t
recognize you. It’s not just the sex.
It’s the emotional part of not
recognizing somebody that you have lived
with for a lifetime. And I think one has
to get over the conventional view. It’s
not something that anybody would have
done if they were not in that situation.
So one has to say, at least in the
facility, they can visit each other,
they can hold hands, they can have sex.
I also hope that they make sure that
there’s no sexually transmitted disease.
Gary Barg:
And I think you’re right. I think
sometimes the thing that will hurt the
cognitive spouse is the loss of
emotional intimacy. They see their loved
one, who isn’t the same person anymore,
having a relationship with somebody
else. How do you overcome that?
Dr. Ruth:
Very difficult. You can’t overcome it
because there is some resentment in
saying, “Here I cared for you, here I’m
visiting you, and I have had a life with
you, I have had children with you and
grandchildren.” Nobody will ever get
over it. What I’m saying is you have to
deal with it by saying, “That’s the
reality of life right now for you.” Very
difficult.
Gary Barg:
You just have to accept that it makes
somebody I love happy, although they
would never have done that if they were
aware, so I understand that.
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