GB: I call
those “loving lies.”
BG: They
were; and it was either we lie to
Dad or we watch our mom slowly die.
We were already watching Dad slowly
die, and it was a lie that had to be
told. We said to Dad that Mom was
going off on a cruise for a couple
weeks and that I would be out of
town; Barbara and Judy, my two
sisters, were going to have trouble
getting away from work to watch him,
so we just wanted to put him in
there until Mom gets back. He
begrudgingly agreed, and so we went
down there. I was the one in the
family who was able to hold it
together long enough to get
him settled in his new room, to talk
to him, to soothe him and to comfort
him. He kept trying to leave and I
don’t where the strength came from
because I usually do not have it,
but I was able to sit with him for a
couple of hours and convince him
that this was the right thing to do.
One-by-one, everyone else in the
family left and went out into the
waiting room because they couldn’t
do it anymore; they were emotionally
drained. One of the most memorable
moments, in a real negative way, was
when I left him in his room and I
walked into the waiting room. My
family was all sitting there and it
was a very powerful moment when the
four of us just held on to each
other. I remember my sister saying,
“My God, when you turned the corner
into that room, your face was a
color I had never seen before.” We
just clung to each other.
GB: Did your
family feel guilt about your
decision to place your father in the
facility?
BG: There
was guilt from me. I had a lot of
trouble with it. There’s a lot of
guilt in doing something like this.
You feel guilty for putting him in
there, you feel guilty about not
telling him you loved him before,
when he could truly understand it,
you feel guilty about not being
there enough, you feel guilty that
you’ve abandoned him, you feel
guilty that somebody else is taking
care of your parent. That’s very
guilt inducing, and you have to come
to terms with that and it was hard.
I struggled with it for many years,
while he was alive, and even after
his death; but I think that I’ve
come to a comfortable place with it
now.
GB: Was
your mom able to start taking care
of herself after your dad left home?
BG: Yeah.
That was the best part because she
was able to focus on herself. She
could now do the littlest things,
like go to lunch, or work in the
garden, talk on the phone. The
slightest, nothing little pieces of
the day became a huge joy to her.
Eventually, she was able to go away
on vacation, go to church, and do
all the little things people take
for granted.
