When Depressed Husbands Refuse Help

What Wives Can Do

Totten was able to help her father get diagnosed and treated for depression; but only after tragically losing her brother to suicide over fifteen years ago because he was never diagnosed. She realized her dad was exhibiting signs of depression and started Families for Depression Awareness, after finding no help for families who wanted to get involved in a relative’s treatment.

Totten says she had to call her father’s doctor and tell him her father had depression. But she didn’t know how to get him to see the doctor. “Finally, my dad said he thought he had the flu, but he didn’t. I agreed with him and was able to get him to the doctor under this pretense.”

With a resistant spouse, Totten believes women need to take a similar tack. “Call the doctor and explain that your husband has depression. Explain what the symptoms are. Then, make the appointment for him. Go with him. If he resists, ask him to do it just for you, to make you feel better.”

Anne Sheffield, author of Depression Fallout, www.depressionfallout.com, agrees with Totten. “Denial is very common, particularly in men. They think depression is a sign of weakness, or someone with it is mentally defective.” She reinforces that wives should not be accusatory and instead need to address different behaviors, like sleep problems, “It’s better not to say: I think you have depression. He is most likely to come back with `If anyone’s depressed it’s you!’”
 
She points out even though men may willingly go to talk therapy, sometimes they are unwilling to take any sort of medication because of a possible loss of libido. “He doesn’t want to be stuck with no sex drive.” Sheffield stresses to try different or a mix of medications and “tell your husband to give it at least six weeks to work.”

How to Help Your Husband

See a doctor. Ask your husband to see a medical professional, offer to make the appointment, and make sure to go with him or call the medical professional in advance to state his symptoms.

Reach out. Find other people to help you get your husband into treatment, including mental health professionals such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker.

Show you care. Depressed men feel isolated in their pain and hopelessness. Listen and sympathize with his pain.

Talk about the depression’s impact on you and your children. Your relationship, including intimacy, household responsibilities, and finances, are also adversely affected when your husband is depressed.

Get educated. Read a brochure, Family Profiles (see www.familyaware.org), or a book, or watch a video on depression and share the information with your husband.

Use the Mood Questionnaire. Go through the confidential and anonymous Mood Questionnaire (see www.familyaware.org) with your husband that will guide him toward medical help.

Seek immediate help If at any time your husband talks about death or suicide or may be harmful to you or others, seek immediate help. Contact your doctor; go to your local emergency room, or call 1-800-suicide or 911.

What not to do

Men with depression are suffering from a medical condition, not a weakness of character. It is important to recognize their limitations.

Do not dismiss their feelings by saying things like “snap out of it” or “pull yourself together.”

Do not force someone who is depressed to socialize or take on too many activities that can result in failure and increased feelings of worthlessness.

Do not agree with negative views. Negative thoughts are a symptom of depression. You need to continue to present a realistic picture by expressing hope that the situation will get better.

Laura Rosen, PhD, co-author of When Someone You Love Is Depressed, says wives need to educate their husbands. “Leave brochures out; highlight a section so he has some understanding.” She suggests, “I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself…it would help me if you talk about it; I’m up at night and really anxious.” Collaborate together and then go so far as to get a consultation, get a name, and make an appointment.”

Another way to get husbands educated is to have them take an anonymous depression questionnaire, like the Mood Questionnaire on www.familyaware.org, a quick screen for depression as well as for bipolar disorder and/or suicidal tendencies.

Steve Lappen, a writer and support group leader, who has himself been treated for bipolar disorder (manic depression), recommends that husbands watch the Real Men, Real Depression online video from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). The film includes ‘tough guys’ such as a firefighter, a retired Air Force sergeant, and a police officer. The video shows men that depression is a treatable medical condition, not a sign of weakness and gives permission to men to ask for help. According to Lappen, “Men won’t even ask for driving directions, so we must let them know asking for help for depression is OK. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not of weakness.”

With Treatment, Relationships Return

Because depression ran in Phil’s family, Emme says, “Depression was the last thing Phil wanted to admit to.” His father’s mother had been in and out of depression for most of her life and relatives described her as ‘quirky’. Phil’s grandmother also had a sister who was institutionalized and lived out her days in the psych unit. Back in those days they didn’t diagnose depression by name; the ‘quirkiness’ ran in the family to include a couple of cousins as well.

Finally, Emme asked Phil’s brother, Seth, who had depression on how to help get Phil into treatment. Ultimately, their family doctor reached out to them. He had helped Seth get through his depression in 1986 and had been helping the family deal with Phil’s other brother, Jonathan, living with brain cancer.

It was at the end of a family session with the doctor that Seth stepped in and asked to spend time on what was going on with Phil. It was almost like an intervention. Emme says, “We all turned to Phil and said, ‘We love you, you’re here. You are clearly depressed.” They left Phil in the room with the doctor to discuss it. This was the beginning of Phil facing his depression through a combination of talk therapy and medication.

But this was not yet the happy ending. Emme threw herself into being Phil’s caregiver, even at times explaining to his doctor the status of treatment, symptoms and behavior. She offers concrete suggestions to other wives: learn everything you can about the illness; get a clear, medicine container to keep track of daily dosages when it is too overwhelming for your husband, make a chart listing his moods. Her biggest suggestion is to carry around one notebook at all times dedicated to your spouse’s treatment. She also suggests telling well-meaning friends and family to keep their private feelings about therapy and medication to themselves. Phil eventually had to turn to ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy), and is now recovered. Emme says, “It was our last resort and it was a lifesaver.”

Most importantly, Emme’s message is one of hope and survival. “My story is just one of many that are happening every day around the world.” Although their heavenly life turned into a living hell, Emme and Phil, along with untold other couples, conquer depression together and look forward to a new beginning in their relationship.

For more resources and help, contact Families for Depression Awareness at www.familyaware.org or (781) 890-0220.

 

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