When Depressed Husbands Refuse Help

To the outside world, Emme lived a charmed life. She was a successful model, creative director of her own clothing line, a television host, lecturer, and mother of a beautiful baby girl. Only her family and closest friends knew she was actually dealing with a devastating situation that is all too familiar to wives across the country: a husband who has depression but won’t get help.

Phillip Aronson, the wonderful man she married, found himself in a downward spiral of depression, even attempting suicide at one point to escape his pain. Phil was always an energetic partner, excited to go to work each morning either to the showroom to check on the latest graphic designs for the Emme line or to attend meetings about some new project. He was a caring and loving father. But as depression enveloped him, Phil “had no energy, no appetite, no drive…and this was in sharp contrast to how he usually was. He was depriving himself of everything, and when you don’t nourish yourself —physically, intellectually, or emotionally—your body tends to shut down.”

In their recently released book written in both their voices, Morning Has Broken, A Couple’s Journey Through Depression, Emme says, “No one knew what it was like, to be caught up in it like we were…it’s a lonely thing to be married to a man in the depths of a depression with an infant daughter at home…it was all about getting through each day. I never felt more alone.” Soon, Emme realized he could not even watch their daughter, Toby, and everything changed: the logistics of running the household and her ability to work. Emme writes that every day they lost a little piece of Phil, and during the worst period, somebody needed to be with Phil at all times, “and that somebody needed to be me.”

Men and Depression

U.S. statistics state that women experience depression much more frequently than men: 1 out of every 4 to 5 women, compared to 1 out of every 8 to 10 men. However, many experts feel these statistics are simply wrong. “Men experience depression probably just as much as women, but they aren’t diagnosed,” explains Julie Totten, President and Founder of Families for Depression Awareness, a non-profit national organization. “Depressed men often get angry at others and abuse alcohol or drugs. Depressed women on the other hand may blame themselves, but then they ask their doctor for help.”

The consequences of untreated depression are serious and sometimes fatal. Depression is a leading cause of disability so many men can’t work. Depression also puts men at a high risk for suicide; they are four times more likely to take their lives than women.

Signs of Depression to look for in men:

Acting depressed, irritable or angry almost every day

Losing interest in pleasurable activities or hobbies

Talking of death or suicide*

Talking very negatively

Acting unreasonably, without concern for others

Abusing alcohol or drugs

Picking fights, being irritable, critical, or mean

Withdrawing from family and friends

Having trouble at work or school

Talking suddenly about separation or divorce

Complaining of aches and pains

Eating too little or too much

Sleeping too much or too little

* If someone is suicidal, treat it as a medical emergency. Call the person’s clinician, or call 911 or take him to your local hospital emergency room.
When husbands have depression, it can tear apart their marriage and family. Wives may take over and hope the problem will go away, or on the opposite end, withdraw, feeling betrayed and angry. More often, they alternate back and forth between these behaviors and emotions. Fifty percent of wives caring for a depressed husband will develop depression themselves.

The good news is that depression is highly treatable. Once diagnosed, most people who get help report substantial relief.

The problem is that many men deny they are depressed and resist treatment (usually medication and/or talk therapy). Their belief: depression is a woman’s disease.

Depression Affects Everyone

Dealing with a depressed husband who is in denial is not easy. But, by not addressing the issue, your husband continues to be ill or get worse, even suicidal, and you lose out as well. Depression makes men feel like they are worthless and hopeless. They can’t change how they feel without treatment. “Depression isn’t just your husband’s problem; it’s your problem and your children’s too. Luckily, there are ways to address the issue,” Totten explains.

 “The top priority is to get your husband into treatment. You have to ask yourself, ‘What have I got to lose?’ You simply need to take action for everyone’s sake.”
Terrence Real, a psychotherapist and author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, offers his perspective, “Women in a relationship with a depressed man feel faced with a painful dilemma. They can either confront the man with his depression – which may further shame him – or else collude with him in minimizing it, a course that offers no hope for relief.” He offers some strong advice to women, “You absolutely have the right, even the obligation, to put your foot down. You have to insist on good health in your family. It serves no one any good to back off; go to the mat on this issue. It affects your husband and marriage, and absolutely your children.”

He reminds women, “Remember, you are still married and at one time he listened to you. Don’t be afraid to make this a fight…this is no time to stand on ceremony. Make a doctor’s appointment, go out to dinner afterwards, be romantic, or bribe him; whatever it takes.” ..Continues...
 

Continued

page[1][2]

Printable Version