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By Cynthia Siegfried
The role reversal is difficult to absorb. We
expect our infants to be helpless; we even enjoy
their dependence on us. I never objected to changing
baby diapers but adult diapers are another story. I
loved to watch my baby, snoring gently, mouth open,
drooling as she slept. My mother—not so much.
Obstinacy in a three-year-old is tolerable, but an
unreasonable adult is infuriating. I didn’t expect
my two-year-old to understand everything I told her,
but I’m not used to having to explain things to my
very-intelligent mother whose thought processes
continue to slow down. I want to shake her and say,
“Stop it! You’re scaring me. I just told you that
five minutes ago.” If I could voice my inexpressible
fear, I would say, “Please don’t get old. Please be
the same mother I’ve always known. Don’t leave me.”
Cancer caregiving is stressful, but when my
husband was diagnosed, I was at a place in life
where I could drop everything and devote myself to
taking care of him. Compared to some, I’ve had it
easy—no job to hold down, no children at home, good
insurance, and plenty of emotional support. I gladly
gave up some of my activities because I wanted to be
with him. I did nothing from a sense of duty and I
had no reason to feel guilty.
With my mother I am tormented by guilt—which is
surprising because she has never used guilt to
manipulate me. Yet, I feel guilty when I am short
with her, guilty when I don’t want to stay with her,
and guilty because I’d rather be doing a whole bunch
of other things. I feel like the very-bad-daughter
of the very-good-mother. Guilt in the
mother-daughter relationship is inevitable because
if we’ve had a good mother, we can never give her
all that she deserves.
I am certain that when my mother dies, I will be
full of regret. For now, I do the best I
can—reminding myself frequently how lucky I am to
have a mother to take care of.
Cynthia Siegfried, a caregiver
advocate, is author of Cancer Journey: A Caregiver’s
View from the Passenger Seat and co-founder of
f.a.i.t.H.—facing an illness through Him, a support
group for families facing catastrophic diseases. For
more information go to:
www.caregivercancerjourney.com
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