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Caregiver Guilt and Finding Balance /
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By Sheryl Leary
How do you find the balance? Is there a balance? Am I
doing the right thing? Should I be doing more? These are
important questions for a caregiver. They can dominate a
caregiver’s daily thoughts. The experts all talk about
balance. How do we find the balance when we are so busy
doing the things that upset the balance?
Here is the
key: there is no magic answer. You may be searching for
an answer that is elusive and forever changing. Our
ability to handle all that comes our way changes over
time just as the needs of others around us change over
time.
Sometimes, just when we think we have a handle on
life, something changes and we have to start from
scratch.
Let me define
my view of balance. I believe we achieve balance when we
meet our own needs as well as the needs of those who
depend on us. What are our needs? Needs can be physical
(our general health), emotional (happiness, joy, love),
and material (housing, clothing). Some may want to add
spiritual needs as paramount in their lives as well.
Are caregivers meeting their own needs? Caregivers often
neglect their yearly check-ups although they would never
skip one for their loved ones. Caregivers often put
aside their own emotions as they devote their energy to
their loved one. Caregivers put off buying themselves
new clothes, or items needed because it is so hard to
get to a store by yourself and for yourself. When
attention is paid to caregiver needs, the caregiver
often thinks “Am I doing enough for my loved one?” and
this starts the guilt process.
How do we create a system to ensure that caregivers and
their loved ones both have their needs met? I suggest
keeping an accounting of sorts so that care you provide
for another can be matched with care you provide for
yourself. You can start with a journal and divide each
page in half. Put your loved one’s name on one side and
your name on the other. Did you help your loved one in
the shower? You can list that on the side under your
loved one’s name. Did you take the time to take a shower
yourself today? If yes, then list it on the side with
your name. If you enjoyed a nice lunch with your mother
today, you can list it on both sides. If you prepared
her lunch but never sat down yourself to eat, then your
side will run a deficit.
The activities you are writing down do not have to match
perfectly. For example, you may have played cards with
your father for his enjoyment. However, if this is not
relaxing or enjoyable to you personally, you cannot put
in on your side of the page. In this case, you need to
find a source of relaxation that you can put on your
side. For example, maybe you read for 30 minutes before
going to bed. This may be your source of relaxation.
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