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When MS Means Mighty Stubborn
By Cheryl Ellis, Staff Writer
A Winning Principle: Four Ways to Win
Dr. Covey’s fourth principle, “Think
win-win” encourages a new type of negotiation that
applies to personal relationships. Many of us focus on
“the right thing,” “my way,” or some other aspect of a
problem that tips the decision scales. Instead of
convincing ourselves that there is a single correct way,
we can entertain more possible “right” answers, and
present more choices for caregiver and loved one. More
choices make for better, and mutual decisions.
Caregiver and loved one can use this
brief question list to open dialogue and prioritize what
is really first order.
-
One thing I insist on doing for
myself:
-
One thing I hated doing before but
push myself to do now:
-
One thing that steals time from our
relationship:
-
One thing we can do as a team that
helps our connection:
For example, a wife may insist she dress
herself daily. Depending on the degree of compromise,
this may seem irrational to a husband who has to get
ready for work as well as deal with other morning
issues. One spouse may not be a “morning person,” and
this is another adjustment to make. However, if we
attempt to apply the win-win strategy, we’ve made
progress toward reducing caregiver stress in the long
term. The spouse who insists on dressing themselves can
have their clothing laid out and go about their business
while the other handles the affairs that need immediate
attention. It may take the patient longer to dress, but
if they are not involved in other activities, it makes
no sense to rush them through one process, only to have
to sit by and watch while everyone else is
“functioning.” At some point, the person can be checked
on and mainstreamed into the bustle of the day. If a
patient knows time limitations, those can be set in
advance. A caregiver may find that the patient will say
“You know, I could use some help,” and the struggle for
independence becomes a choice for assistance.
Admitting there were activities that
were undesirable might be easy when health is not an
issue. Both caregiver and patient can reflect on the
questions, and may find that they dislike the same
activity (allowing them to delegate this to someone in
the family, or pay for the service). They may also find
they were doing the wrong chores to begin with. The
wheelchair-bound MS patient may not mind folding laundry
as a joint (or solo) activity, while the caregiver is
doing the much-despised task of cooking.
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